Tag: humor

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Channeling Discipline

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sacher-cake-1194524_1280Writing Is Not an Easy Occupation for the Self-indulgent

The writing life takes a tremendous amount of self-discipline. This is not a natural thing for me. On balance, I am an undisciplined and self-indulgent person. This is one of the reasons it took me half a century to begin writing in earnest.

martini and shakerI’m better at some things than others. For instance, while I almost never have more than one martini of an evening, I also never go without a martini so long as there are gin, vermouth, and olives in the house. While I don’t consider myself to be a big fan of cake or pie, if there is cake or pie in the house, I am going to eat it until it’s gone. The same is true of candy, nuts, and especially candy with nuts. You may already see the pattern emerging here.

My problem is with stuff that’s in the house. If it’s not in the house, I’m not so attached to it that I will ever go out of the house to get it. I’m too lazy for that. So, if you’ve been paying attention, I can achieve something that looks like discipline by managing my weaknesses so that laziness trumps my attraction to strong drink and chocolate.

Now if I can just figure out a way to utilize that in my daily word count, I will be golden.

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The Examined Life

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Marilyn Monroe statue

Iconic Serendipity or Perfectly Staged Temptation?

It’s Good to be Catholic If You Don’t Try Too Hard

The unexamined life may not be worth living, as Socrates suggested, but it sure is easier than second guessing your every motivation. Maybe it’s not exactly what Socrates had in mind, but for the dutiful Catholic a regular examination of conscience is part of the defining regimen. It’s something we do before we go to confession. This means a thorough scrutiny of the things we have done that we shouldn’t have and the things we didn’t do that we should have, as well as the reasons we did or didn’t do them. As you can imagine there is enormous potential for inner conflict in this process. Continue reading

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Coffee and Donuts with the Faithful – an excerpt

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This is an excerpt from A Cup of Pending, which I released last year. I am posting it here in response to a prompt from my friends over at Studio30Plus. The prompt was profundity and/or wisdom. In my whole book, I only used the word wisdom once, and this is it. Enjoy. Oh, and click the Studio30Plus link and check it out. It’s a wonderful site, full of wonderful writers. You’re sure to see something you like.

dontu, doughnut, pastry,

This is a much better looking donut than you usually find in church halls after Sunday services. I find it irresistible, don’t you?

The Wisdom of Job?

The pastor sauntered over to the group. He was beaming and resplendent and looking, Cliff decided, for some attention of which to become the center. His gaze fell upon Cliff, just then having another nibble of doughnut, and his expression froze in place, not a millimeter different from the look of saintly warmth he had carried across the room, but whatever life had animated it before had dissipated like so much smoke.

“I see we have a guest,” he said.

He thrust a brave hand at Cliff who dusted crumbs off his fingers with a napkin and took it. “Welcome, friend. Folks call me Doctor Paul. I’m the pastor here. And you are?” Continue reading

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Pratfalls in the Divine Comedy

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Oil painting, Court Jester, Keying Up

KEYING UP – a court jester fortifies his wit with a little brandy – Oil painting by William Merritt Chase – 1875

Regrets – I Had None

When I was a young man, I told my mother that I had no regrets—that everything I had done or failed to do to that point only added to the sum total of me, which sum, in my opinion, seemed to be tallying up just fine. It turns out though, 40 some years later, that I had already accumulated many regrets by then. I just didn’t know it yet.

Now that I’m washed up on the shores of an uncertain dotage, ill-provisioned and with dim prospects, all those early and unseen regrets are coming due like markers to a loan-shark.

Now, I understand perfectly all the places where I went wrong. I know where I didn’t apply myself as I ought, when I skated or took the path of least resistance or effort, where I caved to idle self-indulgence, and where I wasted monumental effort on things that were bound never to pay dividends. I knew what I was doing when I did it, and I understood there would be consequences. Continue reading

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Another Hot Mess

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Stuff Like This Happens when You Write

(This entry was part of a writers’ prompt exercise at Studio 30 Plus. Take yourself a merry little jaunt over there to see some fine writing. Maybe you’ll want to join up.)

pretty blond with nose ring“What are you doing here?” I asked.

It was a fair question. Necessary even, under the circumstances, as she had appeared unbidden and unannounced and dressed in such a way as seemed calculated to land me in hot water. I’m not talking about a short skirt or low-cut blouse either. She was full-on exotic dancer provocative in thigh-high leather boots and a thong—too much make-up, too little fabric, and jewelry in places that would have been uncomfortable had she made even the slightest attempt at modesty by covering them up. Continue reading

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Deep 6 News: Exclusive Interview with the Geezer Bandit

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The Geezer Bandit: Still at Large, Still a Mystery

Nineveh Westin Gets the Scoop!

Deep 6 News logo, fictitious logo

Click here now for a Deep 6 News Coffee Mug or Tee Shirt to impress and astonish your friends.

 

Nineveh: Good evening. This is Nineveh Westin for Deep Six News. One of the stories that has captivated the nation over the last few years is that of the Geezer Bandit, the elderly gentleman who is responsible for a string of bank heists in the San Diego area beginning in 2009. There was a lot of speculation about the Geezer Bandit, both by authorities and in the media. back when his crime spree was still fresh in everyone’s mind.

The Geezer Bandit’s last robbery was in December of 2011,  5 full years ago. He’s not been apprehended, and he’s not held up another bank. Speculation has died down, but the mystery surrounding the man and his fabled run are just as intense as ever. How did he do it? How did he get away with it? Is he really elderly, or is he wearing an elaborate disguise? What possesses a man in his eighties to suddenly embark on a career of dangerous felonies? And, perhaps most curious of all, where has he been since then? Did he give up his life of crime? Did he flee the country? Did he die? Continue reading

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The Ant and the Grasshopper

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A Fable for Our Time

grasshopper photo in orange and yellowI always liked the Aesop fable about the grasshopper and the ant. The ant spends the summer storing up grain and supplies for the coming winter while the grasshopper sings and plays the fiddle and, in some tellings, ridicules the ant for wasting the idyllic days with industry. When winter comes the ant is warm and well provisioned Continue reading

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The Ziggurat of Babel

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Size Matters

Modern Tower of BabelAt first blush, building the Tower of Babel must have seemed like a noble undertaking. According to the account in Genesis, the people of Babel, ‘of one language and few words’, decided to build a tower and city, ‘whose top may reach unto heaven; and let us make us a name, lest we be scattered abroad upon the face of the whole earth’.

It’s interesting to me that, at least as portrayed in the language of King James, these people knew what was about to happen, but did not realize that what they were about to do would be the cause of it. Instead they thought the tower and the city would cement them in both history and geography. Not the first time that men have misread the portents of their ambitions, nor the last. Continue reading